So I’m sat in bed this morning with my baby fast asleep beside me. I stare at her in awe that she’s so perfect and that I am so blessed. I look down at the duvet that covers us both, and feel so lucky that we have a lovely warm bed to be snuggled up in. I stare at the ceiling over my head and give thanks that we are again, so lucky, to have such a lovely roof over our heads.
But here’s the thing….. I have so many things to be thankful for in my life , and I know I am sooo blessed, but for the past week I feel nothing short of miserable. Motherhood throws a curve ball at you everyday, and it’s our resilience to that can make you or break you. This week, I feel I have definitely broke, and that’s ok I suppose, I’m only human.
You often hear about the ‘baby blues’, and with having suffered with depression in the past, I knew that I would be likely to experience them at some point. I thought I was lucky and totally escaped them. So here I am, nearly 10 weeks postpartum feeling like a total idiot that I’m feeling low now when people say things get easier from this point.
I think that I was spared this at the beginning , purely based on Ellie’s time of arrival. She was born the week before Christmas. Her father, and all our family and friends had the holiday period off work, and I felt totally surrounded with support and love. Even in the weeks following her arrival, we were busy moving house and getting help from family and friends that I didn’t notice any baby blues creeping in. I was too busy and was in constant company.
The past week however….. I feel utterly empty, and somewhat trapped (which probably sounds awful, but I can’t think of a better way to phrase it). Ellie hasn’t been sleeping well since her vaccines, the weather hasn’t been great to get out for a walk, Ben has been working overtime and is busy with other things after work and I just feel like I have snapped.
Motherhood is amazing, and I wouldn’t change it, but it’s also unbelievably lonely.
You get up early as babies’ don’t “get” the appeal of a lie in. Your day starts with trying to get a quick shower while baby naps. You go about your daily household jobs betweeen feeding and changing baby and so you start the day….cleaning…ironing….putting on washes…. taking in washes…hoovering….cooking….putting bins out, taking bins in….organising .
I know I’m not short of support, and I write this while I am fuelled with ‘I feel sorry for myself’ hormones, but I feel like a problem shared is a problem halved. I am so lucky I have amazing family and friends, but I can’t shake this feeling this week. Even to try and get out of the house feels like a task too big for me. I just want to curl up in bed and be left alone, which is ironic.
I am normally a very positive person, and I know this is just a bad week. My point of writing this is to highlight that although motherhood is a blessing , it’s such a hard transition. All of a sudden it’s not just you anymore. Your baby is constant worry. You question everything your doing and get anxiety wondering if you’re doing a good job. You’re so sleep deprived you can’t think straight. The little smiles from Ellie this week are the only thing keeping me going.
Here’s to next week and hoping to feeling like myself again.
Jessica x .